As per my last post I have had some conversations with people about the emotional pain resulting from recent personnel changes at New Life Church Kelowna. The responses ranged from "We have been talking about the pain too long and it is time to move on." to "The pain is very real, any attempt to deny it revictimizes those who have it."  to "It really hurts but I am willing to forgive." That last response is the emotionally healthy response.

In his book, The Emotionally Healthy Church, Peter Scazzero makes the case that a spiritually mature church is an emotionally mature church. Emotionally mature churches are able to go through the pain and come out the other side of it, allowing the pain to refine, purify and shape the church community. Immature churches ignore there is pain or they get so fixated on the pain that they cannot move on.

Our challenge at New Life is how do we process our pain and the pain we have caused others in an emotionally mature manner? I think Scazzero's book can help us do that. He is a pastor from New York city who burned out in his ministry and learned some very hard lessons about what it means for a church community to bear with one another in love. He says,

"The sad reality is that too many people in our churches are fixated at a stage of spiritual immaturity that current models of discipleship have not addressed. Many are supposedly "spiritually mature" but remain infants, children, or teenagers emotionally. They demonstrate little ability to process anger, sadness, or hurt. They whine, complain, distance themselves, blame, and use sarcasm—like little children when they don't get their way. Highly defensive to criticism or differences of opinion, they expect to be taken care of and often treat people as objects to meet their needs. Why?

The answer is what this book is about. The roots of the problem lie in a faulty spirituality, stemming from a faulty biblical theology (chs. 3 and 4). Many Christians have received helpful training in certain essential areas of discipleship, such as prayer, Bible study, worship, discovery of their spiritual gifts, or learning how to explain the Gospel to someone else. Yet Jesus' followers also need training and skills in how to look beneath the surface of the iceberg in their lives (ch. 5), to break the power of how their past influences the present (ch. 6), to live in brokenness and vulnerability (ch. 7), to know their limits (ch. 8), to embrace their loss and grief (ch. 9), and to make incarnation their model for loving well (ch. 10). Making incarnation the top priority in order to love others well is both the climax and point of the entire book. The church is to he known, above all else, as a community that radically and powerfully loves others. Sadly, this is not generally our reputation. "(p. 18)

I think the pain we experience both individually and corporately is, as C S Lewis put it in his book,  The Problem of Pain, God's  megaphone trying to get our attention so we can address some serious personal and community issues. Moving on without addressing these issues, I fear will condemn us to repeat our folly, and re-experience the pain again in our new situation.

So I actually think we need to move toward the pain as a church rather than away from it. I think the pain is where God wants us to go. It is the cross he intends for us to bear as a church right now. Not that we stay at the place of pain, but that we move through the pain and out the other side, allowing the pain to shape us.

I think God wants us to become 'wounded' healers, who are familiar with sorrows so that we are better able to bear the sorrows of others. This is what it means to live incarnationally. (Henri Nouwen has written a classic book on this subject called The Wounded Healer).

If we can own this as our story in which our pain has redemptive value, it can bring lasting healing to that pain and empower us for the way forward as individuals and as a church community.

That is the message of Scazzero's book and it the way we can become an emotionally healthy church. My hope is for us to be a community that does not continue to re-offend and re-experience relational pain but that we learn to love one another deeply, so deeply that no amount of pain or disappointment or anger will ever again come between us. This is my hope for the way forward for New Life Church Kelowna.

A week ago Sunday night this is what happened to my car. It was parked on the street outside the auto repair shop waiting for a new starter. Somebody decided to have a little fun by dropping a rock into the windshield.

The previous Friday, I received an e mail courageously challenging my thinking on Why I stay at New Life Church. She asked, "Are there only two categories of church going people: consumer Christians and covenantal Christians? Are there not more categories? Is it so black and white? What about the group who have been patient long suffering members in which the pain of spiritual and relational disappointment disables their participation?

I stand corrected on my two category approach. Participation in church community can range along a continuum from covenantal commitment where members stick by their church no matter what to 'church hopping' where participation is conditional on church products offered.

I stick by my assertion, though, that Christian life is about bearing with one another in love because I believe God's unconditional commitment to us means we must follow suit. This is what Matthew 18:21-22 teaches.  Forgiveness is not optional, however much commitment to one particular church community may be!

However, to forgive and to bear with one another does not deny the REAL pain of relational and spiritual disappointment. This is the lesson from the rock in my car windshield. The pain sits like a big rock crushing the spirit and life out of those who are wounded. If we are going to have a REAL conversation for the sake of REAL community at New Life, we need to talk about the pain. To ignore it is to deny it.

Exactly one year prior to the morning of August 13th, the day New Life announced the departure of Wesley and Stacey Campbell, I had a very vivid dream in which I needed to  see a doctor at the local hospital. As I approached the front door, I noticed the receptionist sitting on the steps taking a lunch break. I asked her about an appointment. She said, "I don’t know, why don’t you go up to the office, get the appointment book and bring it down to me. I will see if there is a space this afternoon for you." I said, "Sure!" So I took the elevator up to the office. I went in, reached over the front counter and got her appointment book. I went out to catch the elevator, but it had already started down. Rather than wait for it to return, I decided to take the stairs, because I wanted to get the appointment sorted out quickly.

I went through a doorway I thought led to the stairwell, but it wasn't the stairwell. It was another section of the hospital that is reserved for maintenance of the hospital systems. I could see all this big equipment parked in empty hospital rooms. I tried finding the stairs but I got lost. I could not find my way out and there was no one around to show me the way out. I checked my watch and I realized that the secretary's lunch break was over and that she was probably back at the front desk looking for her appointment book. I was lost. I felt ashamed at my mistake. I did not know how to get out. There was no one to help me. I felt an overwhelming sense of panic. I was trapped in the place of pain.

As I reflected upon this dream, I realized the hospital represented both a place of pain and a place for healing. Jesus is the doctor. I am on my way to be healed by Jesus. However, I have to get by the gatekeeper who is the secretary. The secretary represents all those people in my life who I feel I need to please. I took what I thought was a shortcut so I could please them but it ended up getting me lost in the place of pain.

After sharing this dream with my wife and some friends, I realized that I needed some help. So I started a counseling program. However, as the past year progressed, things went from bad to worse and I ended up in full blown depression.  Depression is what happens when one internalizes one’s anger. When my counselor asked me if I was angry, I told her I did not think so. But the problem was that I did not know how to get in touch with my feelings. In fact, I was operating in denial that I had any feelings, that I was feeling any pain at all.

Just before the big announcement at New Life last August, I enrolled in a eight day course in Biblical Counseling at the Youth With A Mission (YWAM) Okanagan base entitled "Pain of the Heart". It was taught by a Mennonite couple from Ontario, Clair & Clara Schnupp. They minister among first nations people in Northern Canada and Greenland. (Read more about their ministry here.)

As the Schnupp’s shared their stories of pain of the heart, I realized that I had been living in denial of my pain. Depression resulted from me denying an outlet for the anger at the pain I was feeling but could not find expression for. As the course progressed, I realized I could connect with my pain by attaching feeling words to it such as disappointment, sadness, abandonment, etc. As I attached these feeling words to my pain I had an outlet to express it. I could talk about it with those at the course in a safe loving environment. As I talked about my pain, I felt God's healing penetrate my being and I was released from the weight of my pain. the rock was being removed from the windshield of my car.

In God's mercy, I think it was no coincidence that I had a dream exactly one year prior to the happenings ...   more »