A week ago Sunday night this is what happened to my car. It was parked on the street outside the auto repair shop waiting for a new starter. Somebody decided to have a little fun by dropping a rock into the windshield.
|
|
|
|
The previous Friday, I received an e mail that courageously challenged my thinking on Why I stay at New Life Church. The respondent asked, "Are there only two categories of church going people: consumer Christians and covenantal Christians? Are there not more categories? Is it so black and white? What about the group who have been patient long suffering members in which the pain of spiritual and relational disappointment disables their participation?
I stand corrected on my two category approach. Participation in church community can range along a continuum from covenantal commitment where members stick by their church no matter what to 'church hopping' where participation is conditional on church products offered.
I stick by my assertion, though, that Christian life is about bearing with one another in love because I believe God's unconditional commitment to us means we must follow suit. This is what Matthew 18:21-22 teaches. Forgiveness is not optional, however much commitment to one particular church community may be!
However, to forgive and to bear with one another does not deny the
Exactly one year prior to the morning of August 13th, the day New Life announced the departure of Wesley and Stacey Campbell, I had a very vivid dream in which I needed to see a doctor at the local hospital. As I approached the front door, I noticed the receptionist sitting on the steps taking a lunch break. I asked her about an appointment. She said, "I don’t know, why don’t you go up to the office, get the appointment book and bring it down to me. I will see if there is a space this afternoon for you." I said, "Sure!" So I took the elevator up to the office. I went in, reached over the front counter and got her appointment book. I went out to catch the elevator, but it had already started down. Rather than wait for it to return, I decided to take the stairs, because I wanted to get the appointment sorted out quickly.
I went through a doorway I thought led to the stairwell, but it wasn't the stairwell. It was another section of the hospital that is reserved for maintenance of the hospital systems. I could see all this big equipment parked in empty hospital rooms. I tried finding the stairs but I got lost. I could not find my way out and there was no one around to show me the way out. I checked my watch and I realized that the secretary's lunch break was over and that she was probably back at the front desk looking for her appointment book. I was lost. I felt ashamed at my mistake. I did not know how to get out. There was no one to help me. I felt an overwhelming sense of panic. I was trapped in the place of pain.
As I reflected upon this dream, I realized the hospital represented both a place of pain and a place for healing. Jesus is the doctor. I am on my way to be healed by Jesus. However, I have to get by the gatekeeper who is the secretary. The secretary represents all those people in my life who I feel I need to please. I took what I thought was a shortcut so I could please them but it ended up getting me lost in the place of pain.
After sharing this dream with my wife and some friends, I realized that I needed some help. So I started a counseling program. However, as the past year progressed, things went from bad to worse and I ended up in full blown depression. Depression is what happens when one internalizes one’s anger. When my counselor asked me if I was angry, I told her I did not think so. But the problem was that I did not know how to get in touch with my feelings. In fact, I was operating in denial that I had any feelings, that I was feeling any pain at all.
Just before the big announcement at New Life last August, I enrolled in a eight day course in Biblical Counseling at the Youth With A Mission (YWAM) Okanagan base entitled "Pain of the Heart". It was taught by a Mennonite couple from Ontario, Clair & Clara Schnupp. They minister among first nations people in Northern Canada and Greenland. (Read more about their ministry here.)
As the Schnupp’s shared their stories of pain of the heart, I realized that I had been living in denial of my pain. Depression resulted from me denying an outlet for the anger at the pain I was feeling but could not find expression for. As the course progressed, I realized I could connect with my pain by attaching feeling words to it such as disappointment, sadness, abandonment, etc. As I attached these feeling words to my pain I had an outlet to express it. I could talk about it with those at the course in a safe loving environment. As I talked about my pain, I felt God's healing penetrate my being and I was released from the weight of my pain. the rock was being removed from the windshield of my car.
In God's mercy, I think it was no coincidence that I had a dream exactly one year prior to the happenings at our church. It was no coincidence that I was enrolled in a course on pain at the very moment when I was about to experience pain. And it was no coincidence that the story of my pain provided for me a way out of that pain, a way out that I believe is not for me alone, but also for all those who would make the hard decision to care unconditionally for their church family, but who are also hobbled by relational pain, loss of trust and disappointed expectations.
The way out is to stop denying the pain, start connecting to it, and allowing it appropriate expression. We need to listen to those who are in pain so that we can walk the healing journey together. You cannot drive a car with a large rock crushing the windshield. You need help removing the rock. So let us talk about the pain, so we can remove the rock from our windshield at New Life and so we can get on with what God has called us for as a church community.
